The Beginning...again

She had him cornered, again, alone, the others were on the other side of the building, preparing for the performance. His mind flicked back briefly, to the cold basement stairway, the first, a different basement heated rushed frightened, a couch sharing warmth and listening, a starry, frigid night, in the mountains, afraid to speak, his heart beating, and then he was back in the present, startled by a brazen attack on his mouth. Not sure how to react, a feeling of wrongness, swept over him, Weather from fear of discovery or simple non-interest, he couldn’t tell, and didn't want to. He broke the kiss before it had truly begun, and tried gently to pull away.

Whispers, a gentle pulling, followed by another failed attempt at intimacy, and he was free. This was the last thing he needed to have on his mind. The performance was moments away, and although his minor supporting role was by no means vital, on-stage performance was not one of his strong suits. He pulled firmly away, and tried to be kind, a smile, a look, and a mumble. The tools of uncertainty, he wasn’t sure how he felt about this situation, and he wasn't ready to commit to a particular course of action yet.

Looking back to the weeks before, it had been his doing. the casual flirting, eye contact at the right moment. Complaining of muscle soreness from working out, and allowing her hands work over his shoulders, back, chest, all in public display, and casual. Friendly he had thought, until the moment in costume when the warmth of their costumed bodies met. Friendly, until he saw the confused look, the sadness he had come to recognize, a sadness he would become all too familiar with.

Aware that he had failed utterly to communicate his intentions, that he had left her with a sense of openness, he processed for hours. Thinking and over-thinking, again, and again, until he was sure that he was sure. Or at least that he was more unsure than he was sure, he carefully crafted the words that carried as little pain. A muddled collection of thoughts pouring into his email rushed and terrified:

“I’m sorry. I cant pursue anything with you. Life’s too short. I love you but you are my friend, and it has to stay that way. Please understand I'm not being mean, or rude, or anything. I'm just trying to be honest.”...